A Realignment

Taking life moment by moment

I don’t know if I believe this to be true, but I’ll do my part to make it so.

Last week, I wrote the most depressingly bleak post I’ve written in a long time. (And in our current political context, that’s saying a lot.) Twenty or so other writers and designers and I are working in a contract position that expires at the end of the year, and the chances of our contract renewals are looking pretty slim.

The thought of having to job hunt once again—especially at my age in the current job market—nearly leveled me. The angst and uncertainty amongst my fellow contractors is palpable, and I was feeling the crush of the unknown.

I always know when my stress level is maximized because the inside of my mouth and my cuticles are chewed to shreds. When you see me with Band-Aids on the tips of my fingers, you can rest assured it’s a trying time.

Anything distressing in this national climate of fear and anger is exacerbated a million times over. And so, a hint at looming financial wreckage—although I’ve faced it before—just feels insurmountable right now.

But who wants to read about that?

I was invited to attend a PFLAG meeting the night I wrote that unpublished post, and although my primary goal was to crawl into my PJs and hide in a bowl of ice cream, I decided to go instead.

And there, amidst a small crowd of queers and allies, I felt my blood pressure lowering. I didn’t chew my fingers once during our time together. I got to listen to stories of others’ plights and pain, their little wins and big moments, and although I didn’t share my own, I felt seen anyway.

I felt connected.

I felt safe.

After the meeting, we went for pizza, and I looked up from the table to see this sign:

Does that say, “FAT?” I gasped. “In a restaurant that serves pizza? That seems a little aggressive.”

We all laughed when we realized my viewpoint had altered the letters just enough to confuse the message. But, of course, it was another lesson: Changing the way we look at things changes our perception.

Looking at others’ struggles, looking at friendly faces, looking at a safe space—all of those things drove home the reality that we’re all in this together. Some, of course, remain on the other side, unreachable, unmoved. But those of us who are here to love and support each other? To help protect our democracy? To fight for the immigrants and the unhoused and the ones born in bodies that don’t feel like home and those who just want to love who they love? That’s where our gaze deserves to go. That’s where our focus is wanted and needed.

From “FAT” to “EAT.” From despair to laughter. From the paralysis of not feeling good enough to sending out updated badass resumes. From feeling alone and on the brink of financial ruin to companionship and hope.

It’s not nothing.