Misunderstood
A lesson learned
I lost a subscriber today.
It’s okay to lose subscribers—sometimes my content and their interests just don’t align. I mean, not everyone wants to read about a late-in-life lesbian and her ongoing pickleball-related knee issues. (Shocking, but true.)
But losing today’s subscriber wasn’t okay.
Why?
Because it was my fault.
A comment was made on my fasting post, and I reacted less than gracefully. I’m trying hard to create community here, and I want to make sure my commenters are heard and acknowledged. But this commenter was new, I didn’t know her, she didn’t know me, and her comment perplexed me. I couldn’t tell if it was congratulatory or (wo)mansplain-y… and I told her so. (Insert wincing face emoji.)
Of course, she was offended. Who wouldn’t be when someone questions whether they’re (wo)mansplaining or not? I most definitely would be.
Here’s the thing: I promote kindness on this forum, and I wasn’t kind today.
It’s challenging for me to believe that when people say things such as, “I think this is great, BUT…,” it’s nothing more than a backhanded compliment. I’m a believer in the notion that the BUT negates everything that came before. For me, it’s what I like to call a hug/slap. And I’ve experienced my fair share of those.
We all have.
I must remember, though, that not everyone thinks, feels, or communicates the same way I do or in the way that I want or expect them to.
I’m a human who wants to understand, and I also want to be understood. But I need to remain aware of the fact that we all exist in and move through this world differently, with different experiences that guide and inform us.
When I put words out into the world, they’re no longer mine. They belong to everyone who reads them, and my readers get to assign meaning according to their own experiences and belief systems.
That’s Writing 101 and Humaning 101, and I failed at both today.
I can tell you that I was stressed out, that I still had my guard up from those horrible HuffPost commenters, that I was mad at the people at the pool who BLASTED their music without any regard for anyone else, that I was hangry, that I was tired, that I’d been hurt by a friend earlier in the day.
But you know what?
None of that matters.
Because my commenter may have had all those things and more going on in her own life, and I did not give her the grace that I wanted for myself.
When we know better, we do better. And I’m going to continue to do better.
Kindness first. If I’m going to say it, I need to live it.
Every day.
With everyone I meet.
(Even the music blasters at the pool.)
Kindness is hard sometimes, Katrina. It's humble of you to publicly own a mistake like this - one we all make.
I believe the hug/slap is offensive, too. We all do that from time to time without meaning to.
For me, it's about extending two things: benefit of the doubt and a whole lotta grace. Meaning, to give others and ourselves time, space, room to breathe and process. Sometimes we need to be gentle with ourselves, too, when these things happen.
My motto in recent years is "repair and reconnect." I realize the latter portion doesn't always happen, but relationships are tricky, especially new ones and digital ones.
The point is that you are making your way through it and you're doing a good thing by wanting to do better.
As someone who has been in your community for almost a decade, you, more than anyone I know, attempt to understand where someone is coming from. Today was a hard day. Give yourself grace. Look what you’ve made from it. This is what you do. I love you.