Don't Be An Asshole

A simple request

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This week, I wrote a Substack Note that enraged a stranger who felt compelled to put me in my place—or as they said, respond to me with “DIRECTNESS.”

Here’s what I wrote:

The transgender community is our canary in the coal mine. First, their rights will be erased, and few will care enough to put up a fight. The entire LGBTQ+ community is next. Women’s rights will continue to be eroded. Then all marginalized communities will be put in their place, and the capitalist patriarchy will continue its uninterrupted reign. Why are we pretending that transgender people are new? Why aren’t we hearing more about H.R. 9218? Why is anyone okay with what’s happening in this country right now??

My original post contained a graphic that I later understood oversimplified the Native American Two-Spirit gender in relation to today’s trans community. This Native American reader—who had never before commented on any of my work—took umbrage with my words and the visual and asked me to remove it because “it is grossly inaccurate and spreading misinformation.”

I read the resources they supplied, thanked them for educating me, and removed the graphic.

They followed up with: “This post is incorrect. The entire graphic is gross. I am Native American, you are not. And the term is not “transgendered.”

Again, I changed my wording from transgendered to transgender people because I did some digging and reading and understood they were right. And my intent is never, ever to hurt anyone with outdated or offensive vernacular.

Before I could even respond, however, I received a flurry of comments from them, including: “Why do you, a cisgender women, feel you have a place to talk about trans rights or identity? You already have messed up twice, first with misinformation and then with a right-wing term. If this were baseball you would be on strike two.”

(And no, I didn’t point out that they used “women” when they should have used “woman.” I wanted to, but I didn’t.)

I replied that if this person never allowed other humans in their orbit to make mistakes and learn from them, they must live a very lonely life.

And then all hell broke loose.

I was called a “Karen” (twice) and a “mean girl.” I was told I was privileged because I could “pass as hetero” and that I did not live in the same margins as they did. I was called a “white savior” and told my allyship was not wanted or needed, that I “tokenized” and “infantilized” trans people, and that I disrespected veterans who fought for me. I was asked if I was going to be ableist or ageist next. I was told I was the reason Black women no longer want to march with us. I was told I was not going to have my feelings massaged or my ego stroked and that I needed to learn some “humility.”

All those accusations and assumptions from eight short sentences.

Listen. I’m not going to get everything just right. No one is. We’re all going to fuck up from time to time. We’re going to say the wrong things, do the wrong things, assume the wrong things. But if we’re working to become better communicators, better allies, and better humans, we learn, we correct, and we move forward.

Personal growth should be encouraged and allowed.

Personal attacks should not.

I get it: This person was angry. Many of us are angry. But I have to believe that the anger I received was not solely because of my eight-line Note. Our nation is bubbling with hate and vitriol and self-righteousness. We have elected the lowest, most base kind of human to run this country, and he is filling his Cabinet with unqualified, untested, and divisive people.

Women who can’t access reproductive healthcare in their home states are dying in hospital parking lots. Our first transgender US Representative-elect has already been banned from using women’s restrooms and threatened with violence from a sitting member of Congress. Our daughters and granddaughters are being told their bodies are not their own.

And he hasn’t even taken office yet.

It’s scary shit.

We don’t know who to trust. Who to believe. Who to put our faith in.

But I say we start with our trusted inner circle. Now is the time to connect with like-minded friends who hear us when we cry and help us up when we stumble. Now is the time to say, “What are your strengths? What are mine? What can we do separately? What can we accomplish together?”

I’ll admit that my own inner circle has become substantially smaller. I’ve always been a girl who invites strangers to my table, and I’ll always be that girl in my heart. But for now, self-protection is necessary. It’s vital for survival.

It’s not selfish; it’s self-care.

I have closed the door on many relationships—on the people who say, “Why can’t we all just get along?” Because my answer is this: I don’t want to “get along” with people who voted for a racist, a rapist, a felon, an insurrectionist, a fascist. And it’s not simply about the vote. It’s about the humanity. It’s about morals and ethics. If that kind of leader is okay with you, we are not the same. We are not even close to the same. We were never the same. In fact, we are on opposite ends of the human spectrum.

And while we ride these difficult waves, I only want those I trust implicitly to be swimming in the water with me. If I can’t even bring yourself to defend my human rights, I certainly cannot trust you with my life. I don’t want you to be tempted to push me underwater and hold me there to save yourself. I’m simply not interested in trading my life for yours if we’re not fighting the same battle for the same reasons.

And also, if you can’t participate in a non-inflammatory conversation with some give and take and some attempt at understanding and empathy, don’t start it. I’m not interested. I’m happy to listen to you if you have something of value to teach me, and I’m willing to stretch and grow and learn every day. In fact, I firmly believe education is power. I feel stronger when I know more, so if you have something valuable for me to learn, I invite you to teach away.

But if you’re going to be an asshole about it? Just don’t. Because whether you’re Jewish or Two-Spirit or Native American or intersex or disabled, if you’re an asshole in your delivery, none of the rest matters. It’s akin to telling someone you love them and then following it with a “but.” The “but” negates everything that came before.

Did I block the person who attacked me on my post? You bet I did. There are enough disinformed humans on the other side of this national divide to deal with right now. I don’t need the ones who proclaim to be aligned with my ideals to start a war against me, too.

Life is too short and too precious to have it any other way.

Stay strong, loves. Block and unfriend with reckless abandon to save your sanity as well as your soul. Keep your side of the street clean and educated and informed. Speak up to those who would rather see you silent and chained. And stand side by side with the ones you’d trust to take care of your children and your pets and your mother’s ashes; with the ones who mention your name in a room full of opportunities; with the ones who defend you when you’re not around to hear their words of admiration; with the ones who would lie beside you in a hot, dirty foxhole, trembling with fear, dedicated to your mutual survival, reaching for your hand.