Earth Experiences #15: I Don't Recognize My Country

We just put a sexual predator in the White House

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This country has shown me the sparkling, breathtaking beauty of her crystal waterfalls. She proudly presented the splendor of El Capitan as I stood—mouth agape—in its darkening shadows, the waning light dancing on that impossibly vertical rock face.

I have stood under harvest moons with the smell of just-ripe corn in the air and the sparkle of fireflies dancing in the black night around me.

I have marveled at the magical luminescence that lapped gently at my feet as Gulf of Mexico waves made their way to the shore.

America gave me the land on which the homes that housed my children were built. It provided the verdant grass that stained their tiny bare feet, scrubbed clean in a bathtub of bubbles before bed.

I have experienced the beauty and bounty of my country. I have dressed my kids in matching reds, whites, and blues and watched them wave sparklers on a hot July night.

I promised them time and time again that they could be anything they wanted to be, my three boys and my girl.

I didn’t know I was lying to my daughter.

Because two nights ago, I sat in disbelief and terror as half of this country said no to a young, vibrant, intelligent, articulate, joyful, successful, highly-qualified, well-prepared woman and yes to an aging, rambling, angry, lying, racist, homophobic, insurrectionist felon and adjudicated rapist who promised them less expensive eggs and the concept of a plan.

That night, I saw America’s dark underbelly fully expose itself, and although I wanted to hide my eyes, I couldn’t look away. It’s been there all along, of course, the darkness of this country. We stole our land from Native Americans and stole human beings from Africa to tend that stolen land.

We have been a violent, angry country driven by bloodlust and greed, but we dressed it all up in patriotism and sang songs about Yankee Doodle and declared ourselves the greatest nation in the world, anyway.

If you say something long enough, you begin to believe it.

Even Trump knows that. If you spew the same lie over and over to gullible and low information voters, you someday get to crown yourself King.

This pivotal election was never about the economy. It was never about the immigrants. It was always about the men ruling the women. It always has been. White, straight men don’t want to lose their power. They don’t want to concede to women. They don’t want to be told what to do.

And the white, straight women who vote against their own interests in the name of Jesus and liberty and justice for all? The women who stand on the necks of other women? They’re even worse. They have tucked themselves into a privileged life that feels safe and comfy and superior at the expense of their less fortunate and marginalized sisters.

Until I came out, I never understood what it truly meant to be a minority in this country. I didn’t bother to learn how it might feel to not have all the opportunities I had. Black women have been telling us this for centuries, but I didn’t think I needed to listen.

Now I understand. I’m sorry, Black women. So very sorry.

I still have so much to learn. I’m listening.

This country hates women. This country hates gays. This country hates non-Christians. I am all of the above, and I feel the judgment and exclusion. I feel the power that I wielded as a white, privileged, heterosexual woman dripping from my fingertips and into a useless puddle on the ground.

That night, I found out that people will say they love me, and then they’ll vote to take my basic human rights away. That doesn’t feel like love. That feels like gaslighting.

I had friends laughing and celebrating the felon’s victory while I cried about the prospect of losing my basic human rights. You think that’s a stretch? That I’m being dramatic? I’m not. Trump’s plans call for the removal of LGBTQ+ protections, including employment, housing, education, health care, and a wide range of federal government programs. And marriage for same sex couples? That certainly doesn’t fit within the GOP’s view of women as breeders that supply the necessary parts of the “traditional family.”

I had a “friend” tell me to “give Trump a chance” because she “has faith in him.” But here’s the thing. I was sexually assaulted as a kid. I was raped as a coed. I cannot give a sexual predator “a chance” to sit in our country’s highest office and be okay with it. Ever.

I had another “friend” suggest it was time to unite. No. The time to unite was under Harris. I don’t unite with Nazis and fascists and the people who cheer them on. We aren’t disagreeing on ice cream flavors or pineapple on pizza; we are not morally or ethically aligned. That’s a big difference. The biggest.

And the Christianity of my youth? I see you now, too. When I sang “This Little Light of Mine,” I believed you truly wanted me to shine. I thought the brighter I shone, the better I’d be. But now I know you’d rather snuff me out than hear my queer, female voice. Now, instead of singing, I am screaming. And you don’t want to hear that, either. The fact that you’ve aligned your Christianity with the most un-Christian human to ever walk the earth is so bizarre, it’s almost laughable. But none of this is funny because it’s real. If you’re thanking your god for giving you Donald Trump, you need to find a new god.

So where do you go when your country has abandoned you? Where do you go when your friends and family say they love you and then vote to have your personhood stripped away? I am a queer, agnostic woman with no safe place to call home.

Where do you go when your President Elect is a sexual predator and an adjudicated rapist? What do you tell your children about honor and integrity and consent?

And I’m only talking here about my own personal situation. I haven’t even begun to touch on the immigrants who will be deported and the economic crisis that will follow, the Dreamers who will be forced to return to a country that’s never been theirs, the trans community that will lose access to gender-affirming care, the news outlets that will be silenced and replaced with state-sponsored media, the demise of our democracy, the loss of Medicare and Social Security, the global unrest that comes with his reckless international relationships and his opposition to NATO, and the death of our Constitution.

He has vowed to be a dictator.

When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

I used to love you, America. I used to hold my hand over my heart and pledge my allegiance to you. But you cheated me. You told me I could be anything I wanted to be—and I repeated those empty promises to my own beloved daughter—and then you built that glass ceiling with so many layers, I couldn’t even see through it.

America the beautiful. America the broken. America the racist, the misogynistic, the homophobic. America, you break my heart.