I’m a walking open wound, and even the slightest breeze can bring me to my knees. Your litany of losses is staggering. Moving 6 times! Moving x2 in a couple of years nearly took me under. Glad you found a new doc who listened. Make that therapist visit. Considering a boost or change in medication sounds reasonable. Maybe you’re a super hero or tough as nails to carry this much. You are not alone. Your thoughts seem on target. You deserve and can get some support out of this darkness.
That is just so much loss condensed into such a short time, my friend. No wonder you feel the way you do 😔. Also, the realization that you are the last carrier of memories is a huge load to bear.
I am normally someone who can keep a healthy distance from terrible current events; I can learn about and analyze them, even have moments of feeling them, but I can then turn back to my closest circles. This era feels so different. I am not quite as able to turn off how awful everything feels. So I’m with you on that front. And using my therapy sessions (with a pissed off Canadian) to vent and process.
Oh, Katrina. Loss is one thing, and so very real. What we are living into now is its own definition of one horrific act of inhumanity after another. We stand on quaking ground, and I am grateful my parents are not alive for this, and don’t know how we will survive. Yet we will try to by standing side by side and being the scaffolding for one another, when our bones are too tired and creaky to hold the weight of it all.
Maybe just a few whole hearted listeners who can witness and companion. My dear friend, Judy, did that for me yesterday. Our mantra was, “I just don’t know…” That was all we could muster, yet I felt lighter after our conversation.
Sending you bunches of loving care, and your heart is your memory keeper. She will not fail you. Trust in her as you have and are.
Hand in hand, Heart to heart in solidarity, and relentless care of ourselves and one another. This Enneagram 2 Pisces is swimming beside you. The ocean can hold our losses and pain. Let’s give it to her for transmutation and safe keeping.
So much loss in such a short time. Even without the insanity going on around us right now, I would be surprised if you WEREN’T struggling. I see you, and I am sending you much love for whatever that’s worth. ❤️🙏🏼
I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling sooo much pain. And while I've known about your many losses, seeing them itemized like that was a bit of a "Whoa! That's a LOT." Be gentle with yourself. I've been feeling the weight of the world and have had to turn INSIDE right now for my own wellbeing...connecting to Spirit, to love...I've been using the mantra "I am becoming more vital, joyous and loving" on my walks and when I brush my teeth...it helps. Walking itself helps...sending you all that joy and love that you deserve my dear friend. oxox
Beautiful, Katrina. I wake up sad almost every morning these days. Yes because of the state of the US and its negative implications for the rest of the world, too, but also on a personal level: two weeks after arriving to Barcelona for a brand new chapter at age 64 after a late-in-life divorce and caregiving of my mom, I’d have my chance in the sun. A sudden twist of the back, excruciating low back pain follows, pinning me in place (although happily in a lovely apt in Barcelona near my daughter). So yes, sad is how I feel and I let myself feel
It all the way through my body. Also this passage here moved me: ‘It’s a huge responsibility to do all the remembering.
I am afraid I will fail.
And the last thing I ever want to do is fail the ones I love the most.’ That is a lot to carry. I don’t think you could ever let them down. They know (as I have to believe) that we’re each doing the best we can.
Ah, this is so beautiful! Enneagram 4/ Pisces Rising. I got frustrated Saturday trying to map this testing place I had to go to for my job (Certified Administrative Professional exam), because Google kept trying to take me on weird shortcuts, and when my husband mapped it out for me, I realized it was next door to the cemetery where my grandparents are. And I burst into tears, even though they've been gone 30-something years.
The more I read you the more I love you. Enneagram 5/Pisces. I don’t feel sad, I feel anxious. Racing thoughts, panic. Trying to control what I can’t control. Thank God for my garden. It’s keeping me sane.
I wish I could help bear your pain with you. Sending you much love.
Thank you for the insightful “ inwardness” of loss. I too, am the last living member of my stem family and all of that generation of family. I have no living siblings or first cousins.
The world is so “A.” Asinine , Awful , Anger and Anxiety producing and often Alone. It is also Amazing and Awesome because of people like yourself are still residing in it. Encourages “All” to be resilient and resist!
Your thoughts brings us together. Reminders that sadness and loneliness can be shared.
I'm so sorry for your losses, my friend. That IS a lot. Too much. Anne Lamott talks about bearing the unbearable. I don't know how we do it. There is a heavy price for so much love.
"indifference is where everything goes to die" Oof. To be honest, I've wished I were shallower. Shallow people seem to have it easier. But in the end, I'd rather be me and feel deeply. I also think that all the love and beauty...we get more of that, too. Just like your kids knowing the PNW glory makes everything worth it. (It does.)
You couldn't possibly fail as a witness. You already did it. By caring. And telling us about it.
There was a movie called Powder. Did you see it? 1995. Your PTS made me think of this. The main character could transfer pain and fear, as you said, not to harm but to understand. A hunter connected with the deer he had shot. It was terrible and beautiful. I wish we had that, so those so blithely causing harm right now could feel what they're doing. I don't know if it would change their actions, but it'd change something...
Thank you for talking about this. For being you. ❤️
Enneagram 4/scorpio. Cried most of the day yesterday. Both because the world is so cruel and because the world is so beautiful.
What I mean is, you’re not alone, friend. xo
As long as you’re in this cruel, beautiful world, I’ll always feel understood, friend. So please stay forever. 💙
Ain’t going anywhere 💙
I’m a walking open wound, and even the slightest breeze can bring me to my knees. Your litany of losses is staggering. Moving 6 times! Moving x2 in a couple of years nearly took me under. Glad you found a new doc who listened. Make that therapist visit. Considering a boost or change in medication sounds reasonable. Maybe you’re a super hero or tough as nails to carry this much. You are not alone. Your thoughts seem on target. You deserve and can get some support out of this darkness.
Keep pouring it out on the page.
Thank you, Michele. I'm grateful for your words of support. <3
Keep going Michele 🥰
That is just so much loss condensed into such a short time, my friend. No wonder you feel the way you do 😔. Also, the realization that you are the last carrier of memories is a huge load to bear.
I am normally someone who can keep a healthy distance from terrible current events; I can learn about and analyze them, even have moments of feeling them, but I can then turn back to my closest circles. This era feels so different. I am not quite as able to turn off how awful everything feels. So I’m with you on that front. And using my therapy sessions (with a pissed off Canadian) to vent and process.
Sending hugs 🫂
I would like an Emotional Support Pissed Off Canadian, too, please. <3
Haha, you can too…for $100/session
That sounds like a bargain right now! :)
It’s a steal always, mostly because of how good she is. It’s $140 Canadian dollars. We benefit from the shitty exchange rate.
I had the same thoughts - that is a lot of loss and change!
Oh, Katrina. Loss is one thing, and so very real. What we are living into now is its own definition of one horrific act of inhumanity after another. We stand on quaking ground, and I am grateful my parents are not alive for this, and don’t know how we will survive. Yet we will try to by standing side by side and being the scaffolding for one another, when our bones are too tired and creaky to hold the weight of it all.
Maybe just a few whole hearted listeners who can witness and companion. My dear friend, Judy, did that for me yesterday. Our mantra was, “I just don’t know…” That was all we could muster, yet I felt lighter after our conversation.
Sending you bunches of loving care, and your heart is your memory keeper. She will not fail you. Trust in her as you have and are.
Hand in hand, Heart to heart in solidarity, and relentless care of ourselves and one another. This Enneagram 2 Pisces is swimming beside you. The ocean can hold our losses and pain. Let’s give it to her for transmutation and safe keeping.
🌊🐠💙
"I just don't know" has to be enough at times, doesn't it, my friend? I'm so grateful to have you swimming beside me. XO
So much loss in such a short time. Even without the insanity going on around us right now, I would be surprised if you WEREN’T struggling. I see you, and I am sending you much love for whatever that’s worth. ❤️🙏🏼
It's worth so very much. Thank you. <3
I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling sooo much pain. And while I've known about your many losses, seeing them itemized like that was a bit of a "Whoa! That's a LOT." Be gentle with yourself. I've been feeling the weight of the world and have had to turn INSIDE right now for my own wellbeing...connecting to Spirit, to love...I've been using the mantra "I am becoming more vital, joyous and loving" on my walks and when I brush my teeth...it helps. Walking itself helps...sending you all that joy and love that you deserve my dear friend. oxox
Missing you and the grounding force you are, my friend. I never considered a brushing-my-teeth mantra, but I am now. XO
Sigh. Midlife has so much unrelenting loss, plus the state of the world is a whole big layer we carry every day.
Midlife has definitely been a 1-2 sucker punch that I wasn't expecting. XO
Beautiful, Katrina. I wake up sad almost every morning these days. Yes because of the state of the US and its negative implications for the rest of the world, too, but also on a personal level: two weeks after arriving to Barcelona for a brand new chapter at age 64 after a late-in-life divorce and caregiving of my mom, I’d have my chance in the sun. A sudden twist of the back, excruciating low back pain follows, pinning me in place (although happily in a lovely apt in Barcelona near my daughter). So yes, sad is how I feel and I let myself feel
It all the way through my body. Also this passage here moved me: ‘It’s a huge responsibility to do all the remembering.
I am afraid I will fail.
And the last thing I ever want to do is fail the ones I love the most.’ That is a lot to carry. I don’t think you could ever let them down. They know (as I have to believe) that we’re each doing the best we can.
I'm so sorry for your physical pain in the middle of your opportunity to be in the sun, Amy. Wishing you quick healing and peace. XO
Thanks Katrina for that kind wish. I am keeping the faith I am on the road to healing.
Ah, this is so beautiful! Enneagram 4/ Pisces Rising. I got frustrated Saturday trying to map this testing place I had to go to for my job (Certified Administrative Professional exam), because Google kept trying to take me on weird shortcuts, and when my husband mapped it out for me, I realized it was next door to the cemetery where my grandparents are. And I burst into tears, even though they've been gone 30-something years.
Oh, Tracy, the body just remembers, doesn't it? Sending hugs your way. XO
The more I read you the more I love you. Enneagram 5/Pisces. I don’t feel sad, I feel anxious. Racing thoughts, panic. Trying to control what I can’t control. Thank God for my garden. It’s keeping me sane.
I wish I could help bear your pain with you. Sending you much love.
I'm so happy you have your garden to ground you, my friend. We take what we can to find peace in these times, don't we? XO
Thank you for the insightful “ inwardness” of loss. I too, am the last living member of my stem family and all of that generation of family. I have no living siblings or first cousins.
The world is so “A.” Asinine , Awful , Anger and Anxiety producing and often Alone. It is also Amazing and Awesome because of people like yourself are still residing in it. Encourages “All” to be resilient and resist!
Your thoughts brings us together. Reminders that sadness and loneliness can be shared.
I love your litany of "As." And I am glad that this community is so "Alive" with love and support. <3
I'm so sorry for your losses, my friend. That IS a lot. Too much. Anne Lamott talks about bearing the unbearable. I don't know how we do it. There is a heavy price for so much love.
"indifference is where everything goes to die" Oof. To be honest, I've wished I were shallower. Shallow people seem to have it easier. But in the end, I'd rather be me and feel deeply. I also think that all the love and beauty...we get more of that, too. Just like your kids knowing the PNW glory makes everything worth it. (It does.)
You couldn't possibly fail as a witness. You already did it. By caring. And telling us about it.
There was a movie called Powder. Did you see it? 1995. Your PTS made me think of this. The main character could transfer pain and fear, as you said, not to harm but to understand. A hunter connected with the deer he had shot. It was terrible and beautiful. I wish we had that, so those so blithely causing harm right now could feel what they're doing. I don't know if it would change their actions, but it'd change something...
Thank you for talking about this. For being you. ❤️