Underbabied

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“Over-babied” by these blue-eyed beauties

Apparently, our country is in a fertility crisis. “Underbabied,” Dr. Oz says. If it wasn’t so terrifying, it would be laughable. But we’ve read the book. We’ve watched the series. We know what “May the Lord open” means.

This past Mother’s Day, I was thinking about how much this country truly hates women. I was remembering that when I was pregnant, strangers would run to open doors for me, to carry my groceries. Stores even provides special parking spaces. But when I had four children under the age of five, and I would push a grocery cart full of kids and pull another behind me for our weekly food supply, people would stare at me like I was insane. Trouble opening the door with four kids? Too bad. No one is coming to help.

Our country has made it clear that fetuses are to be revered and protected. Back in my pregnancy days, mothers carrying fetuses got special attention. Today, mothers carrying fetuses don’t even have the right to basic bodily autonomy. And when those babies are actually out in the world? Good luck to them. And to their mothers.

When I had Sam, then Gus, then Mary Claire, then George, daycare became far too expensive for me to continue working. It didn’t make financial sense to spend more money on childcare than I was actually making. And that was 1996-2002. I can’t even imagine the financial hurdles young parents face today.

The reason I don’t have a retirement account is that I chose to have children when I was young. It was my choice to make, of course, and I have absolutely zero regrets, but the point is this: Kids are incredibly expensive. When you are choosing between buying diapers or making contributions to your 401K, the choice is not even a choice. It was an ongoing struggle to keep our heads financially above water.

And college? Well, let’s just say that I will be paying back my Parent Plus loans until I die. And once I’m only bones in my grave, I still won’t have made much of a dent in that principal because the interest rates and terms are so predatory. But it was important to me that my kids were college educated. I mean, back when they began college and had hopes and dreams and plans to change the world, I still believed they’d be able to find professional positions and make their way.

Ha! Hahahaha!

My babies are all adults now, and only one of them is making enough money to survive, let alone thrive. My most recent grad can’t find a job remotely related to his field. What is his field, you ask? Science. That tracks, doesn’t it? All the grants that fund those positions have been eliminated. Thanks, DOGE. It is devastating to watch your kids financially struggle as much as—and probably even more than—you did at their ages. Every generation is supposed to have it better than the last one, right? Wasn’t that the big American promise?

Let’s talk about some of the things that make our country not so family-friendly:

• We don’t have universal paid family leave. When I took time off after giving birth to Sam, I had six paid weeks of leave, which was generous by 1996 corporate standards. But I had a c-section, so I shouldn’t have even been thinking about going back to work after just six weeks. And besides, I wanted to take more time to bond with my newborn, to actually mother him, but the extra six weeks I took were unpaid. When you’re living paycheck to paycheck, six weeks of unpaid leave can throw you into a cycle of debt that is ridiculously hard to escape from.

• Our national health and nutrition funding has been slashed. The Big Ugly Bill cut more than a trillion dollars in healthcare and 120 billion from SNAP benefits, leaving underserved communities—and children—most at risk.

• Public schools are underfunded and generally unsafe. Every day that I sent my children to school, I had to contend with the fear of a school shooting, of death by gunfire in their classrooms. And yet, nothing moves the needle on common sense gun laws. Not even twenty dead kindergartners. Not even those innocent babies. The gun lobby is too strong, too well-funded, and too influential. Guns are very clearly more important in America than children are.

I could go on and on, but anyone who is paying attention understands that this country is in crisis. Bringing more children into it isn’t the answer our leaders think it is.

I can assure you that when I was caring for four babies under the age of five, I was “overbabied” in every way. I was perpetually stressed out, my bank account was always empty, and every day was about basic survival—both mine and the kids’. I didn’t have the time, energy, or resources to enjoy my babies like I could have. And by economic measures, I was lucky enough to not have to rely on assistance from the government to feed or house my children. But nothing about raising them was easy.

These are the experiences I had when I chose to have four babies in a short amount of time. Can you imagine what I’d have experienced if I’d felt pressured into having kids? If I’d resented instead of loved them? If I felt I was fulfilling some kind of national duty to populate the country? This “underbabied” rhetoric is not only dumb, it’s dangerous.

This country can’t adequately support and care for the children who are already here. And it certainly isn’t interested in supporting brown and black babies. Let’s think for a second about all the brown babies that have been separated from their families; that are currently being held in detention centers. What about them?

Bringing innocent babies into this country also puts them at risk of being sexually abused by rich and powerful men. So, how do we address that uncomfortable disconnect? That our corrupt administration and its financial benefactors are encouraging more children on this planet when they are the ones who have systematically abused them? If I think too long about that juxtaposition, it makes my brain hurt. Not to mention my heart.

If this country is “underbabied,” then I’m going to start calling myself “underweight.”

One is just as ludicrous and untrue as the other.